Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to tonight’s Grand Tour! I hope you’re all excited, because what you’re about to witness is a truly once in a lifetime experience. Over the next half an hour, you will get a rare glimpse behind the Instagram filters and flattering poses, at a creature who has a natural habitat of blanket burritos. For one night only, we have placed her in a well-lit arena for your viewing purposes, so that you can become acquainted with the body that stands before you. No enlarged pore or patch of cellulite will go amiss. Please keep your arms inside the cart at all times. Do not feed the Bethany, unless it is halloumi.
This tour was brought to you by caffeine-fueled bravery.
(FYI the words in italics totally need to be read in a ringmaster-esque voice. Are we on the same page? Cool.)
As we approach the Bethany, the first thing you’ll probably notice is the mass of curls on top of her head
Ah, the hair. At times “curly” is probably a bit of a push, and “frizzy” would be substantially more accurate, but “Frizzy and Wordy” just doesn’t have the same ring, does it? I go through phases of attempting to tame it. I straighten it occasionally (and get a 10/10 arm workout in the process) and then try to re-curl it into beachy waves which Youtube tells me is very attainable. But most of the time, I like it how it is. Plus, it cushions my skull from any falling debris.
Getting closer, we can see a rare kind of eyebrow, that is not filled in
Listen, my eyebrows are very rarely ‘fleeky’. I can’t be bothered to get them threaded so I pluck them myself, and I’m no MUA. I don’t understand how you people achieve a look that doesn’t act as a homage to the sharpie! On the plus side, I bloody love my eyes. They help me to do some of my favourite things, like read and watch Louis Theroux documentaries. I forgive them for getting infected on Christmas Day 2012.
And here, an interesting mark of beauty above the lips
I never really understood why people called moles “beauty marks” growing up because I hated this little one I have above my lip. I thought it was the ugliest thing in the world. I even looked into mole removal and was willing to have a scar there instead. Now? I’m kind of chill about it. It didn’t ever do anything to me, so we made friends. My dad says it gives my face character. My boyfriend says it’s one of his favourite parts of me.
Also, this is where I get a little bit of a tache from time to time. Women have hair too, it’s okay.
Before us stands the perfect example of why you should scrub your back
This was probably the photo I was most scared of sharing with you all because, damn, the bacne game has been pretty strong over the past few months. But hey, the whole point of this post was to be nakedly honest with you guys and give you a little taste of reality amongst all of the untold facetuning. So yeah, here’s my back in all of its glory. I don’t like it right now, but at least if someone’s bored I can provide them with a canvas for a game of dot to dot.
A totally normal pair of arms
I have keratosis on the back of my arms, which is usually called ‘chicken skin’ and is basically a whole load of teeny tiny red bumps. I know a load of people that have it and it doesn’t really bother me. I’ve just accepted that my skin is a sensitive soul, hence the summers filled with heat rash that has also chosen these arms as a camping ground.
You may have to step closer to see the hands
My hands are very small. I can’t count how many rings have been lost over the years because even a ‘small’ is too small! But these are the fingers that let me talk to all of you. These hands are the hands that keep my little sister safe when we walk past a road. I love these hands.
Here we can see a patch of cellulite on the upper thighs
I gotta be honest with you guys, I mentally psyched myself up to talk to you all about the massive amount of cellulite I have on my thighs. But now that I’m looking through these pictures I’ve realised that that ‘massive amount of cellulite’ doesn’t exist. I mean, when I sit down and from certain angles, there’s definitely a little bit of bumpiness, but I don’t know how I convinced myself I was cellulite queen. I guess that’s proof that your brain lies to you sometimes. Either way, whether they’re photoshop smooth or not, these legs do the job they’re meant to do. For that, I am grateful.
And finally, the feet
I feel like I couldn’t end this weird little tour without showing you my feet, even though I don’t have much to say about them. We haven’t had a particularly turbulent relationship in the past. I’m just grateful that they help me walk and do my morning yoga and whip out some extremely bad dance moves in the middle of clubs. They’re pretty rad if you ask me.
There you have it, chums: My whole body from messy curl to painted toe. I decided to do this post, against my every natural instinct, because social media and the world of blogging is pretty much solely populated by people’s bests. Don’t get me wrong, I love taking a selfie on a good makeup day as much as the next person. But I also know what it feels like to log onto Instagram on a bad makeup day or a bummy hair day or a ‘my vagina is bleeding’ day and feel shitty because you think that’s how people look 24/7.
Even if this post made you go “ew, I’m glad my back doesn’t look like that!” I’m happy. I really don’t mind as long as you know that you’re normal and insanely beautiful. Whether you do a blog post like this, share a no makeup selfie or just look in the mirror tomorrow morning and smile, please remember how lucky you are to have the body you’ve got.